aw: 2014

Silencing My Inner Critic

I made a goal recently to be more honest on this blog, so I've decided to post today about something that I've struggled with for most of my life. As I've mentioned before, I have anxiety and depression and though I I've gotten better at managing both, I still suffer from something that I think most of us have felt the weight of at one point or another. I suffer from crippling self-doubt.

It rears its ugly head at the worst of times, like when I'm posting a blog post about something important to me, I'll hear a voice in my head saying that I don't have the experience or knowledge to write about it. It tells me that I'm being phony, and that no one's going to want to read what I have to say. It tells me that I should give up.

And there's nothing that I love more than stringing words together to make something beautiful. I love reading over a sentence I've written that sounds like music in my head. Like wind chimes. But my own self-doubt tells me that I'm not good enough and that anything I write will never measure up... that no one could possibly want to read anything that I've written.

How do I overcome it? Sometimes I don't. But sometimes, I tell myself that the point of this life is to live and if I'm living it afraid, then am I really living at all? Sometimes I tell myself that not trying at all is worse than failing. And it's that voice that I try to listen to. I don't want to be too scared to go after the things that I want, and what I want is to write and to be proud of what I write, haters be damned.

What do you do when you start experiencing self-doubt?

Because I'm Happy

Jumper - Forever 21

Tee - American Eagle

Shoes - Forever 21

Things that have made me happy lately: Hannibal // Good weather days // New shoes (as pictured above) // New clothes (also pictured above) // 7 more weeks of school // Thinking about sitting on my grandmother's front porch in Indiana // Making plans // Working on my writing class and getting good feedback // My Kindergarten students singing Let It Go from Frozen in unison // Staying in the present // My online community // The anticipation of a new tattoo (on the 26th) // Cute cat/dog/pet videos // Sleeping in // Stephen King // Eleanor and Park // Audiobooks // Pharrell's song Happy

What's made you happy lately?

I'm Not Pregnant (And That's Okay)

I attended my cousin's baby shower last weekend. I'm very happy for her, just as I'm very happy for all of the people around us who are starting or growing their families. But I have no intention of getting pregnant or starting a family any time soon. Granted, life is full of surprises and I may be eating my words soon enough. But having a family is not in the plans right now.

I want to figure out me first. I want to figure out my relationship with Steven first. I feel like I have so much in life to explore and to understand and a baby doesn't fit into that just now. Sometimes, when I see my friends with their babies (and the cute baby onesies and the cute baby blankets), I feel a twinge. And then I remember that I'm 25. I have plenty of time.

I know that I'll enjoy being a mother and that I'll love my children, but I'm in no hurry. And though I certainly feel pressure from time to time to start a family, I keep reminding myself to be patient.

When it's supposed to happen... when it's time... I'll know. And it's just not time right now.

BIC® 4-Color™

This is a Sponsored post written by me on behalf of BIC 4-Color pen for SocialSpark. All opinions are 100% mine.

I absolutly love BIC pens. I was talking to my boyfriend the other night about how BIC pens never dry out no matter how long you leave them out, and how they're always the first pens I reach for when I need to take notes or jot down a new blog idea. They're like.... miracle pens, honestly. I think they put happiness and rainbows inside their pens when no one's looking.

Anyway, my newest BIC obsession is the BIC® 4-Color™ pen. There are 4 Inseparable Colors in 1 Pen so not only do you get to use the best pen in the world, you always get to use the best pen in the world in red, blue, green, or black.

They're a fun and colorfuI way to express yourself and they're also a great and easy way to take notes or organize your thoughts through color coding. And I bet you didn't know that the different colors have different personalities, too. Blue is super into himself, green is always jealous, black loves to make plans for world dominance, and red is a perfectionist. Which color are you? Personally, I think world dominance sounds cool.

Check out these funny videos about the different colors:

Follow them on Facebook and Twitter to find out more about the BIC® 4-Color™ pen. It's a lifesaver if you like to stay organized (and who doesn't), so be sure to buy yours through Amazon or Staples!

Weekly Wishes #12

Last Week's Wishes
1. See the flowers: I wish I could say I did better with this goal, but it feels like I didn't really slow down all week. It felt like there was a constant tempest of negative thoughts in my head that blinded me and made my rib cage ache with the responsibility of carrying my heart. Here's to a new start this week.
2. Start a gratitude journal: I did this in a slightly different way and decided to record what I'm grateful for via Twitter, because I figured it would help if I had fellow tweeters to hold me accountable. I missed a few days, but it did help me recognize the good things in my life.
3. Blog about what's important to me: Personally, I think I did a great job of this. I LOVE blogging when I'm posting what I want.

This Week's Wishes
1. Cut back on spending: Guys, I've been sucked into the world of online shopping. I've tiptoed around the edge of it in the past but I feel like now I've become a full-time resident. Send help!
2. Relax: Steven pointed out to me this week that I worry too much about the future and things that I can't control. I need to accept that life will happen in ways I can't expect or plan for, and I should learn to enjoy it.
3. Touch base with my inner yogi: I haven't been hitting the mat as much as I should, so I'd really like to get back into it this week.

As always, I'll keep you updated on how I do this week. By the way, weekly wishes is a link-up The Nectar Collective hosts each week where people write about their goals or challenges they want to achieve for the week. Hence... weekly wishes!

Ten Things I Wish I'd Known When I Started Blogging

I had a lot of ideas when I started blogging a few months ago and some of those ideas were good. Some of those ideas were... not so good. These are the things I wish I'd known when I started blogging and things that I hope can help new bloggers! Learn from my mistakes, ladies. :) There's nothing groundbreaking here, but they're all true things that I've learned so far. Here we go!

1. A good design matters. I started out with one of Blogger's standard templates before I realized that all of my favorite bloggers had really eye-catching designs that must have been custom made. Go the extra mile for your blog and prettify it!

2. Sidebar ads aren't going to get your far. When I started, I thought sidebar ads were the key to becoming a successful blogger. They're not. I get very few views from sidebar ads on other blogs. Sidebar ad swaps are a good way to start out if you're not ready to go for guest posts or sponsor spotlight posts but don't expect them to generate a lot of traffic. Passionfruit is a good place to start your search for blogs to sponsor.

3. Photo quality matters. Gritty, low quality photos are okay for instagram, but not for your blog. You don't have to own a DSLR or anything, but take the time to make sure your photos are in focus and use a photo editor like Picmonkey if you don't know your way around Photoshop yet. I do know my way around Photoshop, but I still like to use Picmonkey for some things because it's so easy and user-friendly.

4. You have to read other blogs. This seems like such a no-brainer, but when I started blogging, I was only reading the biggest blogs out there. Those blogs are great to get inspiration from, but you want to connect with other smaller, newer bloggers like you. That way, you can see what they're doing that's working and help each other out.

5. Comment. If you want comments on your blog, you're going to have to comment on other people's blogs. Plain and simple. You get what you give in the blogging community.

6. Social media it up. I kind of brushed off the whole social media thing when I started because I wasn't a big Twitter or Facebook user but then I realized that in order to connect with other bloggers, you have to interact with them, and the best way to do that is through social media. It's also a great way to get your blog's name out there and promote your posts!

7. Don't be a no-reply blogger. I kept hearing about this phenomenon when I started blogging, but I didn't know what it was, and I just sort of assumed that I wasn't a no-reply blogger. Turns out that I was a no-reply blogger and the blogs that I commented on weren't able to reply to my comments! Venus Trapped in Mars has a great post about how to remedy this problem.

8. Write an About Me page. If you want readers to keep coming back to your blog, you're going to have to let them get to know you. Simply Clarke has a good post about what it takes to create a good About Me page.

9. It's not all sunshine and rainbows. Just like any community, especially online, there are bound to be some bad eggs. People will leave negative comments and people will grudge you your success. That's life. All you can do is ignore those people and refuse to give them the attention they want.

10. Schedule your posts. I don't have time to write a blog post everyday, but I do have time to type out a few at one sitting on the weekends. I do this so I don't have to stress about writing blog posts during the week, when I'm usually already stressing about work. It's also a good idea to brainstorm blog post ideas beforehand so you're not stuck for ideas when you do sit down to write a few.

What do you wish you'd known when you started blogging?

Linking up with Little Friday and Treat Yo Self Thursday.

That Time I Cried At Work

When you're just starting out at anything, it can be scary, confusing, and really frustrating. I'm not one who likes to not know how to do things, and when I realized that I did not know how to teach when I started student teaching, it was a pretty crushing blow. When I say that I didn't know how to teach, I really mean it. I sucked at it, and I can openly admit that now. Because now, I suck at it a lot less. Some days, I even think I'm good at it.

Let's talk about how I sucked at it first, though. I was student teaching in an environment where my supervising teacher was not very supportive and instead, seemed to be waiting and watching for me to slip up so she could report my mistakes to my university mentor. To this day, when I think about how I was treated, it makes me really angry. I was a new, young teacher who needed guidance and support; not criticism and negativity. It's said often that new teachers burn out before their first five years on the job are over. Why would you discourage a teacher during her first semester?

Anyway, I got such a terrible midterm review when I sat down with her and my university mentor that I burst into tears. And these were not pretty, movie star tears; these were snotty, red faced, puffy eyed tears that I just couldn't stop. What's worse was that the day was only half over. I still had students to teach. I just felt so attacked that I couldn't contain my frustration and they spilled over, quite literally.

Looking back, I wish I had spoken up for myself. I wish I had advocated for myself, but I was scared. Situations like those taught me that I need to be strong not for other people, but for myself. It's okay to break down, but it's up to you to build yourself back up again. And I did, but it took a lot of time. I'm much better at teaching now, partly because I'm much more vocal about what I need to do my job successfully, and I haven't cried on the job once since I got my first official job two years ago. But it wasn't thanks to that negative teacher I worked with that semester. It was all thanks to myself and my desire to get better.

What I'm saying is... it's alright to cry it out sometimes. But one negative voice doesn't dictate your future or your success.

Only you are in charge of your future. Only you are in charge of your success.

Have you ever broken down at work?

Don't Call Me Maybe

I have an aversion to phone conversations and I know I'm not alone in this. There are many contributing factors to this, but one situation sticks out in my mind. I'm a teacher, right, and last year, I was a first year teacher, eager to prove myself and eager to let my kids' parents know that their child was in good hands. I thought I was going the extra mile by giving a parent my personal cell number. Bad call.

I know you can figure out where I'm going with this. This lady was calling me at night, in the morning, on the weekends, on holidays, and during school hours (when I'm supposed to be, y'know, teaching her kid). Basically, all the times that I didn't want to be thinking about whatever she had to say. It ended up driving me crazy and I'd simply stop answering my phone when I saw her number flash on my screen. Nowadays, I simply communicate with my parents through their kid's agenda book or through the school's phone system. If your phone call was not planned ahead of time, you're probably interrupting something.

Somehow, phone calls have become the harbingers of bad news and usually happen at very inconvenient times. I don't know why, but businesses insist on calling during my work day and when I forget to turn off my phone... Well, let me just say that there is nothing more frustrating than trying to get 15 Kindergartners back on task after a distraction like a phone ringing.

Worse are the phone calls I get from businesses at home, in Indiana. They might think they're calling me at a reasonable 9:00 in the morning, but it's 4:00 in the morning for me in Hawaii, so no... I won't be taking that call, leave your number after the beep (or don't). Honestly, even during the day, I usually just let my phone go to voicemail if it's a number I don't know (and even if it's a number I do know, sometimes).

Plus, there's the fact that most people just text these days. If I get a phone call from a family member, besides my mother, I automatically assume something's wrong. I'm thinking someone's in the hospital or worse. In essence, if it's not an emergency...

Basically, what I'm saying is, I've had bad experiences with phone calls and they make me nervous. I feel much safer texting, or instagramming, or tweeting, thank you very much. Of course, I'll make the obligatory call to my mother once a week or so, but other than that... I'd rather not dial that 10 digit number or see one flashing on my screen.

How do you feel about talking on the phone these days?

Weekly Wishes #11

Last Week's Wishes
1. Get started on end-of-the-year projects: I'm not sure it was a good idea to set this goal for myself. At the end of the year, a teacher's work is just never ending, and it seems like more things keep getting tacked on. But you know what? I'm going to get through it, so there's no sense in stressing about it so much now.

This Week's Wishes
1. See the flowers: "Many eyes go through the meadow, but few see the flowers in it." -Ralph Waldo Emerson. This week, I want to see the flowers, or the little things that make this life so beautiful.
2. Start a gratitude journal: I read somewhere that if you write down three things you're thankful for every day for 30 days, you can condition yourself to be a much happier person than you were at the beginning of the thirty days. I'm game to give it a try. Are you?
3. Blog about what's important to me: I've been writing blog posts about things that, honestly, I think you want to read, but it's not sparking a fire in me, and I want to make sure I'm being true to myself and writing about what's important to me. So this week, I'm going to do that.

As always, I'll keep you updated on how I do this week. By the way, weekly wishes is a link-up The Nectar Collective hosts each week where people write about their goals or challenges they want to achieve for the week. Hence... weekly wishes!

32 Things That Make Me Happy

Linking up with Two Thirds Hazel.

1. Living in Hawaii makes me pretty happy. It definitely made me happy to be here and not at home, in Indiana, where they had buckets of snow this winter. Apparently, they're still getting snow. I don't know what the weather's on this year, but it probably starts with global and ends with warming.

2. Sprinkles make me happy. They're like little bites of sunshine and rainbows.

3. Waking up in the morning with my love and my two doggies makes me unbelievably happy, which makes it super hard to get out of bed, but y'know. You can't be mad at this face.

4. Disney movies make me happy. My favorites are Brave, Ratatouille, Up, and Beauty and the Beast. And, of course, Frozen.

5. Fridays, man. I only have 8 more Fridays until the end of the school year, which I am beyond happy about.

6. My family is my support network. They are my backbone when I've lost my strength and my courage when I'm feeling scared.

7. Sleeping in on the weekends.

8. Country music, all day every day. Even better, in the car on a nice day with the windows down.

9. Sleeping in on the weekends or on days off. Waking up and realizing that I don't have to be anywhere and am free to spend the day how I like without feeling pressured to perform to the standards someone else holds me to is such a relief.

10. Beach days.

11. Writing makes me happy. It also makes me unbelievably frustrated when the words are on the edge of my fingertips but just won't come, or worse, when I have an idea that I just can't breathe life into no matter how long I try to ignite it. But mostly, it makes me happy.

12. Harry Potter. Harry Potter is life. I have a Harry Potter tattoo for godsake, so obviously, I'm a little past pretending like I'm not a super nerd. I'm such a nerd, and proud of it.

13. Decorating the house. My boyfriend mentioned something about moving last night and I swear he got a sunburn from the white hot glare I gave him because I'm just now getting the house to where I want it. My pinterest inspired canvases are all up. My Urban Outfitters tapestry is hung. My white spraypainted bottles are positioned just so. Come on.

Chalboard paint AND mason jars?? Oh yeah, I went there. This is Pinterest in a photo.

14. Post-workout feels. I almost said working out makes me happy, but it doesn't. It makes me miserable and sweaty and tired. But I like the feeling of accomplishment afterward. I hear it has to do with endorphins and adrenaline, which is totally cool with me, because it feels damn good.

15. Shoes, shoes, shoes.

16. I freaking love Game of Thrones and the fact that the women in it are so boss makes me very happy.

17. The sound of rain on the rooftop while I'm laying in bed at night.

18. The fact that I have such a job where I can help children who might have little to no stability in their life makes me happy. I'm not always happy every second at my job, but at the end of the day, I know what I'm doing is very positive and that's important.

19. Buffalo Wild Wings make me happy, which I'm thinking about because we don't have one on my island, so... yeah. You don't know what you got til it's gone.

20. Polaroid pictures. There's just something about them, you know?

21. Bubble tea. I love honeydew bubble tea like a fat kid loves cake.

22. Hot showers. Unf.

23. Baking makes me happy. I love trying new recipes and forcing them onto my boyfriend to see what he thinks. And occasionally forcing them onto you guys via pictures and recipes.

24. A good haircut always makes me happy, especially when it helps me control this unruly cavegirl hair that weighs about 50 pounds. Seriously, it's so thick and coarse, it drives me crazy.

25. Christmas. Working with kids means that I never forget how magical the holidays can be and how special it is to be with your family wherever you are. The presents are a nice bonus too. ;)

26. Playing with the puppies at the humane society. I love stopping off on our way into town to see the puppies up for adoption, even if we're not thinking about getting another right now. They're so cute, I know they'll find homes, but I still send good vibes out into the universe for them after we leave.

27. My online community of friends.

28. Books. This gif is basically like porn to me.

And when people comment on a movie but haven't read the book...

29. Overheard in New York and Humans of New York. Two fabulous websites about the same city that are good for very different reasons.

30. Cherries in drinks. My boyfriend jokes that he hasn't had a cherry since we started going out because I always steal them.

31. Finding a pair of jeans that fit just right (because they hardly ever do when you're super short).

32. Being able to find 32 things in my life that make me happy.

What makes you happy?

Fish Taco Bowl

I picked up a bag of frozen tilapia at Target the other week. We live in the country so buying fresh fish is kind of an impossibility most days, so buying frozen seemed like a nice alternative. I used hapa rice, which is half brown rice and half white rice. It ended up being really tasty and I'll probably make it again, so I figured I'd share!

First, measure out all your spices (cumin, cayenne pepper, chili pepper) and mix them together in a small bowl. Then, take your fish and sprinkle the spices evenly over both sides.

Drizzle some oil in a saucepan and heat it up before adding your fish fillets. Cook each side for several minutes and check the fish periodically to make sure it's done. It should flake apart easily with a fork.

Add the corn and onion to the saucepan and heat for several minutes without stirring, to give the corn a charred appearance. Stir and then repeat until the onions are tender. Once the onions are done cooking, add the black beans and stir again.

Layer the rice, bean mixture, fish, and top with cheese. Or you can simply mix all of it together. :) You can also add parsley or guacamole too, if you'd like. Enjoy!

Linking up with Treat Yo Self Thursday.

Easy Clipboard Photo Display

I bought a Polaroid camera last summer and I just recently got back into using it, because it's a really convenient and cute way to process pictures quickly and easily without having to go to a store. I really don't know why we ever got away from using instant film. :P I've mostly just been taking pictures of my dogs, so I figured I ought to figure out a way to display them in a cute, easy way. So, here we go!

You'll need Mod Podge, wooden letter cutouts for the monogram, wooden hearts, scrapbook stickers, scrapbook paper or cardstock, hot glue gun, silver spray paint, and two plain wooden clipboards. I found all of my supplies at my local craft store and it's quite small, so chances are, if we have it in my area, you'll likely have it in your area too.

The first step is not actually pictured. I took the wooden letters and hearts and took them outside so I could spray paint them silver. You could also use acrylic paint if you'd like.

Next, you'll need to cut out your scrapbook paper so that it fits the surface of the clipboard. My boyfriend chastised me for not unscrewing the clip at the top so I could make the paper cover the clipboard more neatly, so if you want to do that, you can. I just laid the clipboard on top of the paper and cut around the edges with my scissors, then trimmed off any excess and rounded the corners.

Then, I brushed a layer of Mod Podge on the back and then glued them to the clipboards. You can also add a top layer of Mod Podge over the paper to seal it and make it a little shinier, but make sure that the glue holding the paper to the clipboard is completely dry first, or it will bubble.

Plug in your hot glue gun and wait for it to heat up. Take your spray painted letters and hearts and glue them onto your clipboards where you want them. Press the letters and hearts down for a few seconds to make sure they set.

Finally, add your scrapbook stickers where you'd like them, and you're done! You can also use regular, cropped photos if you don't have a polaroid camera. :) I set these up on my writing desk so I can always see my babies. (Yes, I'm a crazy dog lady).

Let me know if you give this a try! I'd love to see the results!

April Fool's Day Giveaway!

Happy April Fool's Day! It's no joke - I have teamed up with 12 other bloggers to bring you a $225 Spring Fashion Giveaway. One winner will receive $100 to J.Crew, $75 to Gap and $50 to Loft. Enter below and don't forget to check out all these gorgeous blogs! Good Luck :)

Simply Clarke | The Samantha Show | September F A R M

Danielle Faith | Oh Simple Thoughts | HI + LO | Seriously, Sarah? | My Life In High Heels

Wearable | Hey Sassy Girl | Fizz & Frosting | Mer In America | HAPPy As We Know It

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Weekly Wishes #10

Last Week's Wishes
1. Keep trucking on the novel: I'm still hacking away at it, and I've finished the first chapter, which I suppose is a decent start. There's still a lot of planning to be done, but summer break starts in 2 months, so hopefully I'll have more time for all of that then.
2. Do some soul searching: I guess this is an ongoing thing I'm going to have to work on. I'm really struggling enjoying my job right now, and I need to reflect on why that is and what I can do to change it.

This Week's Wishes
1. Get started on end-of-the-year projects: I need to get going on a few projects coming up. I'm going to be making a scrapbook to show what I've learned this year to present after school one day later this month. I also need to finish a few other school-related things. I'm not going to make any other goals this week, so I don't stress out too much about other things. Luckily, I've scheduled a few interesting posts this week, so I won't have to worry about the blog too much.

March Wishes
1. Write, write write: It's occurred to me that I've been doing A LOT of writing lately, through blogging, posting, my class, and the book. So I think I can safely say I've succeeded in this.
2. Practice photography: I've been practicing for various blog posts and such, so I think I've done pretty well on this one, too. I'm hoping to get a new lens pretty soon, too, so I'll have to practice with it as well!

April Wishes
1. Stay organized: I can tell from my wishes that I'm feeling the pressure of the end of the school year, so I guess I should add that I need to stay calm at the same time. Everything will get done in due time and it will all work out, as long as I keep my calendar straight and don't put things off too long! :)
2. 30 day fitness challenge: I want to finish one of the 30 day fitness challenges (you can find them here). Even though it's going to be a busy month, I still want to stay healthy and keep working out.

As always, I'll keep you updated on how I do this week. By the way, weekly wishes is a link-up The Nectar Collective hosts each week where people write about their goals or challenges they want to achieve for the week. Hence... weekly wishes!

Material Girl

Dress - Macy's

Shoes - Macy's

Necklace - Metaphysix

Currently...

Reading: I decided to try out an audio book this week, since my phone's been dead, and I didn't have any music to listen to in the car (my school is in a very remote area = no radio stations). I bought The Coldest Girl in Coldtown by Holly Black, and I'm loving it so far. Gabriel is a much better, sexier vampire than you-know-who, and he doesn't glitter in the sun. He just burns to a crisp. :P

Enjoying: Days at home with my doggies. Spring break gave me a taste of summer and so naturally, I want summer now. I also massively enjoyed Divergent. Have you seen it?

Doing: I'm still working through my writing course and writing my way through my novel. I've also picked up the crafting bug again so don't be surprised if you see a lot more DIY projects around here.

Listening to: I'm all about Boyce Avenue lately. If you don't know, he does covers of pop songs and makes them... better. It seems like everyone and their mother is doing covers of Wrecking Ball lately, but his is definitely the best, I promise. :) Check it out here.

Thinking about: My future.

Loving: Lauren Conrad for this. So much this.

Any big plans for the weekend? Here's another Boyce Avenue jam to kick it off in style. :)

Also linking up with The Life of the Party.

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